I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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