Where is the hickey?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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