I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
one might say we're banned from that church
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
