Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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