When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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