I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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