Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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