perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
