I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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