my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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