So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
