This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
