She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
