dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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