addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize