Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
