So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
