He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
