Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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