Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
