dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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