I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
