I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
