This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
