Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
