My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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