Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
