I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
