Tell her she can't have a vagina
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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