You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
