did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize