I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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