you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize