you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
