I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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