I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just pee around me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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