My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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