just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
