I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
