how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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