I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
