Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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