The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
