So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
