Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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