I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Sober January is a disaster.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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