Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
