smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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