when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sext me about skeletons
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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