Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
