I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Moan for me like Helen Keller
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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