Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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