nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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