Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
