i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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