Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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