Don't you send me to vm
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
so explain again why im purple
no
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
