you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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