dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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