does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
