Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
