my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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