Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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