I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
All I want is dick and wine.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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