with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
