I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
