Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
